


No Absolution

by alexcat



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Flogging, M/M, Non-Sexual Bondage, Non-Sexual Submission
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 08:02:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18245738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexcat/pseuds/alexcat
Summary: We all seek absolution sometimes.





	No Absolution

**Author's Note:**

> Please listen to the [**No Absolution Podfic**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18248093/chapters/43177853) by [**only_more_podfucs (only_more_love)**](https://archiveofourown.org/users/only_more_love/pseuds/only_more_podfucs).

_Absolution - noun - formal release from guilt, obligation, or punishment._

 

*

Tony thought it would make him feel better, that making Steve hurt as much he had would make his own pain and grief diminish.

Steve had willingly allowed himself to be tied – ankles to the chair legs, hands behind his back, ball-gag in his mouth, naked – under the light of a single 100 watt bulb in this basement room. Tony had hit him, with a cat o’ nine tails, with his hand. There were bruises and a few very small scratches. 

Every damned time that Tony raised his hand, Steve had looked at him as if he deserved it, that he was all right with the punishment, all right with the pain. Guilt and relief shone in those clear blue eyes at every single slap of his hand, every kiss of the small knotted whip on his skin. 

He was angry with Steve for that, for not reacting the way he wanted him to.

He wanted Steve to beg him to stop, to need his mercy, his pity. He wanted to feel righteous this time for doling out the punishment that Steve deserved. Steve didn’t do that. He took the punishment, almost gladly.

Tony did not want to grant Steve absolution for his sin. He needed to hold on to his own anger, his own pain, his own guilt. Steve was making that impossible for him. 

“Why don’t you get angry with me?” he shouted at the other man, who could not answer him. “You know this is not what you deserve. I have a right to be angry, but no right to do this.”

Tony raised the cat and let it fly across Steve’s chest. 

“You hurt me. You kept things from me, you attacked me. You almost killed me.”

Steve didn’t flinch when the whip fell across his thighs. 

“You chose _him_!” Tony couldn’t have hurt more if he’d flogged himself. 

A tear ran down Steve’s face. Steve broke the bindings on his wrists with almost no effort and removed the ball gag from his mouth. The tears still fell down Steve’s face. 

“You can’t punish me enough to pay for what I’ve done. Doing this to me seems to hurt you more than me,” Steve said in a quiet voice. “If it helps you, please continue. I don’t need to be tied and gagged.” He reached down and untied his ankles. 

“I want the hurt to stop!” Tony whispered, “I – I thought hurting you would make it better.”

Steve looked him in the eye and said nothing. 

“I thought I could stop loving you!” Tony blurted out, choking back his own sob.

“It’s not so easy. I’ve tried, too,” Steve told him.

“You came when I called. Would you have come if you’d known this is what I’d do?” Tony had laid the whip down, and moved closer to Steve. 

Steve nodded. “I’d have come no matter what. You know that.”

“So now what? I can beat you some more, but you’ll never beg me to stop, never say you don’t deserve it.”

“I hurt you. I deserve pain. I am sorry, but I can’t fix it, Tony.”

Tony wanted to touch all the little bruises and injuries he’d given Steve. He wanted to crawl over to him, sit in his lap, wrap his arms around Steve and hold him tight. Maybe that would ease his pain. 

“You should go before anyone figures out you’re here,” is what he said. 

“I love you, too, Tony. I did what I did to you, despite that love. I hope you’ll forgive me someday. If you don’t, I’ll still love you.” Steve stood and gathered his clothes. He pulled them on as Tony watched silently. He went to the door of the dingy little room and turned back toward Tony. “Whatever you’re punishing yourself for, forgive yourself, Tony. Then maybe I can forgive myself.” 

He quickly kissed Tony’s cheek and was gone. 

Tony stood there a long time, the tears he’d held back running freely down his cheeks.


End file.
